The Water Bearer…

The girl visited each day the shrine in her heart not knowing the water bearer had cleaned his path and long grown apart. He was nowhere to be found, his footprints erased from the long journey only to show their common ground…they shared a beautiful story which gave way in her shattered heart…its temple walls crumbled to never stand again. Tiny white roses at each side of the road to remind him of her in case he forgot his oath until one day he decided to come back to his once beloved’s land…the water bearer’s absence caused eternal sadness in the once young girl’s eyes when he had left as a boy now he returned a man. Only to lay down roses before her…sadly she had closed her eyes long before his love could ever be saved …now all he could do was take tender care of them at her grave.

Dime…

En el destierro de mi alma existen palabras que aun no he pronunciado. Cosas con gran significado que crei desvanecidas entre los dedos de mis manos.

Y el interrogatorio eterno que hace eco en ese territorio ya socavado…. causado por el diluvio de lagrimas que nunca han cesado.

Las mil preguntas de dia y noche, representantes de alegrias junto a tristezas sin reproches.

Continua la interrogante en las profundidades de mi corazon….

Te enamorastes del pasado o o es que tan solo nos une aquella aterrador separacion ?

I saw…thought…trusted

Once upon a time I endured hours of travel to a beautiful country where my foreign self was a spectator. I thought to myself “Just breathe” when I saw there was an almost empty airport and No One waited there for me. My whole being began to shake my senses were out of control and my tears were about to drop. Still i had to remember, new steps, new places, first time meeting face to face in such a long awaited time. I thought of plans but was ambushed by weird sensations. First thought in my mind was “Am I really here?” “Will I really do this?” I kept walking while seeing happy faces greet and arms opening up to each other ending up in warmth, and sweet demonstrations of affection. Whilst my eyes kept waiting to be found my heart kept breaking by the second. At every step of the way with a disconnected phone service relying on a bit of airport wifi…I was able to get a text sent outward and a missed call and a late text. I’m on my way sorry for being late…and a picture to suffice my anxiety showing me he was in a car…with someone else as a driver.

It donned on me, this isn’t what one imagines during the cute moments, where promises are made and doubts dissapear. This was the moment where doubts clouded the beautiful vision and unveiled an uncertainty that wouldn’t leave my side. I then realized there is no such thing as the airport dream, that many times if not most we tend to enshroud or envision the object of our affections as a knight in shining armour coming in our rescue….when in the end we have to pick our own selves up and salvage what little is left of our heart’s shrine.

When the moment came again I had a sense of anguish because my countdown was at its moment’s end…I had to face my reality to possible rejection, to possible disapproval and/or heartbreak. I had to face my fears once and for all or just disappear without a trace…yet the choice was mine. I finally used the ladies room and walked out nervously dreading my fate til I received the call. Honey where are you? Come out I’m here in the front” and that’s when I saw him…a few paces forward there he was fixing his hair with one hand as I always noticed, walking with roses in his other hand. Smiling and saying it wasn’t right to not bring me a gift or flowers and to please excuse the tardiness. No hug no kiss, only words, and a smile but very much respect. We left into the car with his friend until we reached a place to eat. We shared a simple meal but I was happy. He then took a walk with me crossing the boardwalk to the sand where he faced me alone for a few minutes. Asking one another if it we were comfortable…and the final question…Was I what he expected?? He smiled and said yes and that he was happy I was finally there. I felt relief yet the final result would be once finally alone. It became dark and we headed back to finally see I was lost in a city that invited me to breathe and let go of my anxieties  yet I feared to try. The next day was full of more challenges, waking up to someone “I knew” yet completely unknown. We rushed to get papers together and more struggles came, battling between likes/dislikes keeping busy with chores and sharing a meal with love and coffee or deserts we ended up nervously tying the knot. And yet my heart was shattered, i felt more of a shadow than a life companion the one that walks behind or is simply a few steps ahead. Depending on the light’s position but in my case reality was the light that shined upon me. I had barely wed yet didn’t feel like a wife. There hadn’t been much time to give each other the dedication needed. It felt like an arranged marriage except with the existent feelings between us. And certain sweet moments, those that happen out of the blue yet last a lifetime in one’s memory. Today i look back…trying to recollect my actions and their causes or fruits. But I only know one thing is clear and that is when one’s heart loves, one trusts what it sees and feels. But the question is will it continue fighting for that…which it gave its all… or simply let it go once and for all in the very end?

“Sometimes it’s the loving words we’re dying to say, that we have to hold back inside… the sweetest of affections our broken heart bleeds wishing to display, yet in silence it breaks down and cries”

-●♡Voice of a broken heart quotes♡●-

The broken heart’s never ending cry…

It’s like a massive wave tumbling over you when you least expect it. With this 100 ton of pressure crushing you from all sides and no possible reason to be found for what you’re experiencing. You’re just there on this isolated land in your heart asking, screaming out: “Hello? Is anybody out there? Can anyone feel my pain? Can anybody hear my cry? Or am I just going insane? Is this really what it was, was it all a sweet dream or just a cruel game?

We ponder and question our spine chilling reality to only hear the endless echoes of our voices pleas. It’s as we were vagabonds begging for a chance well deserved and very long owed yet it’s denied. And we continue on the pursuit of that long awaited answer. When we’re left in pain and denied any closure, we’re left in the dark to walk and stumble. Many times in a never ending cycle of excruciating pain, the type that ceases for a bit then comes back harder to only continue crushing that wild creature encased within us…our vulnerable heart.

Many of us are left with few or no options but the cruelest and most dangerous one is the one we’ve all been placed in at a certain point… the friend zone. We’re thrown into that cell and with it the key thrown out. Chance of survival ? Very low. Because our wild yet delicate creature yearns for the object of its affections and can’t help itself to not care or feel much less assimilate it’s connection has been severed.

Like any lost connection it bears witness thru it’s tears that it’s rights have been stripped away and no longer serves it’s purpose. Yet the never-ending agony continues. Some say only time will tell, but I’d say it in a different way…”A broken heart will never be able to tell time, it remains frozen, if not paralyzed and crippled within it

The void within can never be filled nor

Heads or tails?

Initially there’s this journey called life, which once begun gives us a layout of choices. A giant blueprint of paths or shortcuts to consider and make our own or just ignore.

⚠🚧🚫🚷⛔❎

The truth is that in many situations throughout this journey those “paths or shortcuts” are not pushed in our direction, yet end up paved or forced upon us. Our hearts desires are not considered or taken as important, instead overrided with a new one. We set out with dreams based upon random thoughts that cause us to smile like idiots while in many cases we end up drowning in an overwhelming sea of “could’ve been…” or “what ifs??” that paralyze our hearts. Our wings are clipped off at an early start without notice or our consent. Leaving us to roam when we could’ve soared from way high above to see the full case scenario because others “wisdom was helpful” or stronger than our own will to try and fly”.

We become an imprisoned songbird for all to hear and see… when we actually could’ve been a blazing phoenix rising in all our splendour for everyone to respect and accept.

We’re at this crossroad of choices and either forced upon or challenging us to take it’s hand with risks and a pocket full of coins which we flip along with our heart…sometimes hoping it’ll be the one thing we really want.

The final question is…Will it be heads or will it be tails? Will it be the end of my life’s story or the beginning of a fresh new start? And that my dear friend will only be known once you take the first step to decide…will it be your choice or will everything/everyone else do so for you???

Stay blessed always…

To love at a distance or not, that is the question….

I recently heard someone say to me in a conversation and I quote :”I thank God I’m not an online thing”

As I said some people would rather stay within their comfort zones for cuddles and physical contact while others would give the world and more to reach out and achieve that same goal. Except they stand on the same intensity and misfortune…someone else could show up in seconds woo your S/O and sweep them off their feet be it close or faraway. There’s no difference in that. And while one makes the move to make plans after work or a common day off on the other half at the other side of the world there’s this amazing person who wishes to have at least 5-10 minutes to see/listen to the person that makes their heart drop.

Well to be honest I was a bit thoughtful upon their words but I can’t say I’d blame them. Not everyone is built for “the online thing”. It takes boldness and a courageous heart to risk itself to venture upon and stay within the status in an ldr. Again to those who are not familiar with the LDR topic, it stands for Long distance relationship. More than just words a relationship of this type is very much time consuming and delicate as one face to face. Texts can become a routine if it’s not taken to another level in the communication department. And many times emotionless due to lack of time or time zone change. Those who can’t conceive being in such a struggle because they’d rather be face to face with the object of their affections would never understand the sacrifice/ struggle of travelling abroad with their heart on their sleeve for that S/O.

There’s no difference in the amount of stress, pain, happiness, nostalgia, anger or even yes the green eyed monster afflictions called jealousy not to mention uncertainty both positions face. Be it near or far they both face the dangers of dying to not resurrect due to different points of view. Now the real question is to stay within the comfort zones we know or take the risk into the unknown and make it a beautiful venture ….? Only you can decide…stay blessed always.

The One we couldn’t have…

In our lifetime there are a series of events that surface once we reach a certain level called maturity, which defines who we are, where we stand what we like, want, accept or refuse. It’s a tough moment facing the world, those we know, and know us just as these certain people who are also defined and categorized as special and unique individuals who bring out the best in our lives. Yet are not the one’s we choose to stay. I’m talking about that person who knows you well down to the T, knows your flaws and still believes you’re remarkably mesmerizing. And wishes you the best with your choices, yet secretly wishes you’d choose them. Those who wish to stand out from the shadows or behind the curtains and receive a glimpse from that glorious splendour they perceive from us, because despite our flaws, to them we seem perfect.

Those we have not chosen, yet choose for us by staying in our lives even at a distance or simply by staying away. Either way they left a mark on our path, sometimes when things haven’t gone the best for us, making us wonder “what if…” but then again, we search deep down inside and understand that perhaps we could’ve done things differently if given the chance…sometimes wishing we had those chances again presently. But this time choices would be made wisely and patiently.

Those “what ifs” sometimes make our hearts and souls turn back the hands of time for us to join them, except once we wake up from that moments dream we realize it’s just wishful thinking.

It’s a constant agony that ends for a brief moment only to start all over again a choice or decision that perhaps was made for us, something we never asked or expected to be processed thru.

Adding a new chapter to our lives has never been so hard as having to close a previous existent one. Sometimes the previous one was simply a chance to reconsider the choices made, or what ifs we never chose, or those made for us without our consent or consideration. And as in many love stories the counterpart of happily is sadly, we begin to see thru that filter how in certain moments we were merely pushed away and denied those rights upon our own feelings and how much we were taken for granted by the one we couldn’t have, that very same person our hearts bled out our feelings for and who we’d offer our last glance, our smiles our very essence just to know or convince our souls that our message was conveyed and maybe just maybe perceived. The One we wholeheartedly wished and always wish to have belonged to, will always remain in our heart’s gold ledger as a separate page of an unfinished and untold story within our soul….

Sands of time…

Sometimes while waiting we are learning the art of patience, seeing things in different ways, but also learning that time waits for noone, and while we wait, we also gift others that very same thing we lose…the gift of time.

It advances when we least expect it and it almost stops when we need it most in order to achieve certain goals. Especially when at a distance, as in an ldr. Our daily recipe for love relies on a constant reassurance of our affection, time and patience. When things go wrong on one side of the equation, they tip the balance completely in an unfavorable way for our S/O.

Many times leaving them in an unpredictable position as i call it, “walking on eggshells” and wondering if they’ll get thru this series of events and recover their status as confidant, as bestfriend or as i also call it “sab kuch” which means everything.

I’ve read over and over similar quotes about patience being a virtue, but let’s be honest with ourselves. Not everyone can wait patiently when loves strikes us leaving us intoxicated under its effects. Effects such as loss of time notion, or sporadically growing feelings and the constant agony of being away from the object of our affection. Our minds travel in seconds staging what things we’ll do and how we want them to be, unfortunately that’s our heart’s desire yet our current state says or shows a different story.

Relationships thrive on affection, communication, and understanding but we sometimes don’t know how to set each of those factors in the right order. The hour glass is used to measure an amount of time which in some movie scenes was a dangerous sign of a race against time to make a desperate self sacrificing choice, or having one made for us indirectly. Somehow the way I see it… our hearts are shaped in the same way, and althou we love our S/O a test of time always shows up and breaks our emotional balance to only shift it in order to prove we are worthy of that desperate feeling that grows within us to love and be loved.

Love is greatly affected by time, in can grow out of nothing at all, from a simple crush to a one-sided love story and sadly die slowly, having a cause of death called negligence. LDR’S are the biggest and greatest test of time, not everyone is built for one, but those who dare to venture into that realm need to be constantly innovating and keeping up with every step taken since it’s so easy to fall into the darkness i call routine. And those are deadly to any type of relationship. It can destroy weeks- months or years of efforts while sending them crumbling down like a sand castle built without a wall to protect it.

Time is the very source it thrives upon but fades away without the efforts. Remember to always take out time to learn a bit more about your S/O, surprise them and let them know how important and special they are to us. It’s vital in order to have a healthy relationship survive, just as the continuous beating of our heart is to live. “Take time out in order to invest it on your Significant Other

Stay blessed Always 💌

A love letter from abroad

Today while trying on clothes and checking out details for my suitcase I finally realized “Our countdown has begun”.

Countdown to come closer than ever, to finally meet the apple of my eyes, To feel the warmth of his gaze on my soul and complete the missing part in my life…to marry the love of my life… my Jaan.

While still in preparations, I find myself still wondering how could I have been this lucky to find someone who branded my heart in the flick of an eye with his smile, that kind of smile that burns with the fire of a million suns all at once. With those eyes that pierced mine as a swift arrow does once struck it’s target. And i started feeling excited, yet nervous. Still thinking and focusing on details it really hit me hard…I’m on the verge of an adventure soon to discover every single detail about you, once that final I Do is pronounced. Yes, I know it all sounds so romantically set and staged in words, but now…soon it’ll be a complete different story. To see you do what we normally do on videocall, to watch you fall asleep, to hear you breathe deeply once fading away peacefully, to touch your hair everytime i want to, to hold your hand in mine once we cuddle and whisper in your ears so many unspoken feelings and so much more, to finally breathe the same air and be where you are. It’s a whole list of unknown ingredients we’ll have to put together in this love story recipe of ours. I wonder how it will be once I step off that plane, feeling nervous and trembling at every step of the way til I finally see you face to face.

Its so difficult to not be nervous, following the chain reactions of shyness with bursts of tears and affection. Who will make the first move? I feel those minutes will be the most longest ones in our lives. That very moment we see each other and finally end that part of this long distance love story, to finally begin the rest of our journey yet this time finally together. Until then please remember honey that “I love you to the square of infinity my beloved Jaan 💙” .