The One we couldn’t have…

In our lifetime there are a series of events that surface once we reach a certain level called maturity, which defines who we are, where we stand what we like, want, accept or refuse. It’s a tough moment facing the world, those we know, and know us just as these certain people who are also defined and categorized as special and unique individuals who bring out the best in our lives. Yet are not the one’s we choose to stay. I’m talking about that person who knows you well down to the T, knows your flaws and still believes you’re remarkably mesmerizing. And wishes you the best with your choices, yet secretly wishes you’d choose them. Those who wish to stand out from the shadows or behind the curtains and receive a glimpse from that glorious splendour they perceive from us, because despite our flaws, to them we seem perfect.

Those we have not chosen, yet choose for us by staying in our lives even at a distance or simply by staying away. Either way they left a mark on our path, sometimes when things haven’t gone the best for us, making us wonder “what if…” but then again, we search deep down inside and understand that perhaps we could’ve done things differently if given the chance…sometimes wishing we had those chances again presently. But this time choices would be made wisely and patiently.

Those “what ifs” sometimes make our hearts and souls turn back the hands of time for us to join them, except once we wake up from that moments dream we realize it’s just wishful thinking.

It’s a constant agony that ends for a brief moment only to start all over again a choice or decision that perhaps was made for us, something we never asked or expected to be processed thru.

Adding a new chapter to our lives has never been so hard as having to close a previous existent one. Sometimes the previous one was simply a chance to reconsider the choices made, or what ifs we never chose, or those made for us without our consent or consideration. And as in many love stories the counterpart of happily is sadly, we begin to see thru that filter how in certain moments we were merely pushed away and denied those rights upon our own feelings and how much we were taken for granted by the one we couldn’t have, that very same person our hearts bled out our feelings for and who we’d offer our last glance, our smiles our very essence just to know or convince our souls that our message was conveyed and maybe just maybe perceived. The One we wholeheartedly wished and always wish to have belonged to, will always remain in our heart’s gold ledger as a separate page of an unfinished and untold story within our soul….

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Sands of time…

Sometimes while waiting we are learning the art of patience, seeing things in different ways, but also learning that time waits for noone, and while we wait, we also gift others that very same thing we lose…the gift of time.

It advances when we least expect it and it almost stops when we need it most in order to achieve certain goals. Especially when at a distance, as in an ldr. Our daily recipe for love relies on a constant reassurance of our affection, time and patience. When things go wrong on one side of the equation, they tip the balance completely in an unfavorable way for our S/O.

Many times leaving them in an unpredictable position as i call it, “walking on eggshells” and wondering if they’ll get thru this series of events and recover their status as confidant, as bestfriend or as i also call it “sab kuch” which means everything.

I’ve read over and over similar quotes about patience being a virtue, but let’s be honest with ourselves. Not everyone can wait patiently when loves strikes us leaving us intoxicated under its effects. Effects such as loss of time notion, or sporadically growing feelings and the constant agony of being away from the object of our affection. Our minds travel in seconds staging what things we’ll do and how we want them to be, unfortunately that’s our heart’s desire yet our current state says or shows a different story.

Relationships thrive on affection, communication, and understanding but we sometimes don’t know how to set each of those factors in the right order. The hour glass is used to measure an amount of time which in some movie scenes was a dangerous sign of a race against time to make a desperate self sacrificing choice, or having one made for us indirectly. Somehow the way I see it… our hearts are shaped in the same way, and althou we love our S/O a test of time always shows up and breaks our emotional balance to only shift it in order to prove we are worthy of that desperate feeling that grows within us to love and be loved.

Love is greatly affected by time, in can grow out of nothing at all, from a simple crush to a one-sided love story and sadly die slowly, having a cause of death called negligence. LDR’S are the biggest and greatest test of time, not everyone is built for one, but those who dare to venture into that realm need to be constantly innovating and keeping up with every step taken since it’s so easy to fall into the darkness i call routine. And those are deadly to any type of relationship. It can destroy weeks- months or years of efforts while sending them crumbling down like a sand castle built without a wall to protect it.

Time is the very source it thrives upon but fades away without the efforts. Remember to always take out time to learn a bit more about your S/O, surprise them and let them know how important and special they are to us. It’s vital in order to have a healthy relationship survive, just as the continuous beating of our heart is to live. “Take time out in order to invest it on your Significant Other

Stay blessed Always 💌

A love letter from abroad

Today while trying on clothes and checking out details for my suitcase I finally realized “Our countdown has begun”.

Countdown to come closer than ever, to finally meet the apple of my eyes, To feel the warmth of his gaze on my soul and complete the missing part in my life…to marry the love of my life… my Jaan.

While still in preparations, I find myself still wondering how could I have been this lucky to find someone who branded my heart in the flick of an eye with his smile, that kind of smile that burns with the fire of a million suns all at once. With those eyes that pierced mine as a swift arrow does once struck it’s target. And i started feeling excited, yet nervous. Still thinking and focusing on details it really hit me hard…I’m on the verge of an adventure soon to discover every single detail about you, once that final I Do is pronounced. Yes, I know it all sounds so romantically set and staged in words, but now…soon it’ll be a complete different story. To see you do what we normally do on videocall, to watch you fall asleep, to hear you breathe deeply once fading away peacefully, to touch your hair everytime i want to, to hold your hand in mine once we cuddle and whisper in your ears so many unspoken feelings and so much more, to finally breathe the same air and be where you are. It’s a whole list of unknown ingredients we’ll have to put together in this love story recipe of ours. I wonder how it will be once I step off that plane, feeling nervous and trembling at every step of the way til I finally see you face to face.

Its so difficult to not be nervous, following the chain reactions of shyness with bursts of tears and affection. Who will make the first move? I feel those minutes will be the most longest ones in our lives. That very moment we see each other and finally end that part of this long distance love story, to finally begin the rest of our journey yet this time finally together. Until then please remember honey that “I love you to the square of infinity my beloved Jaan 💙” .

Its not me…it’s you

🎶Mere saiyaan ji se aaj maine breakup kar liya🎶

🎶I broke up with my dear beloved today🎶

There’s a nasty virus going around and it’s hitting high and hitting low, some get this sad gutt feeling while others…well they’ll just never ever know.

Ouch that was harsh, I know but it’ll get uglier now and I hate to say it but it’s true, what am I up to this time you might ask? I’m here to talk about the series of events of Breakup Season. It’s usually started after a certain date but hey this is obviously seen, everywhere nowadays (not necessarily predicted).

Before and after our dear New Year has kicked in, things start to change and take their priority list position, and during these changes breakups aren’t excluded, actually they’re the main thing to happen if not dealt carefully with your relationship. The timing for them to occurr is between the last few months of previous ending year and first three months of the New Year so trust me I’ve seen it and heard it. Many of its effects or symptoms are mostly lack of communication, lack of compatibility, goals not met, unsolved business (which continues to linger) maybe heard by but not resolved resulting in frustration and tension. One-sided devotion to the S/O while the other is on planet ……………whatever…. you wish to address the main issue upon.

It’s sad to talk about it but best to address it, due to the fact some of us don’t know how to deal, express or bring up the topic until we finally hit that rock bottom pit which shows us things did not work or go out as planned. Let’s face it, breakups are hard to deal with as to talk about when the occasion arises. Not everyone is able to look forward optimistically once they happen, not everyone recovers or bounces back with ways to cope. First of all they need time to heal, and in order to do so they need to let go, mostly because they weren’t ready for that part. Actually nobody is !!! If they felt not being prepared to allow someone in their lives, imagine the difficulties and challenges of escorting them out of their daily perimeter we refer to as life. Some times it’s referred to as “I need some space” or “time to think” we usually get these when they’re “confused” or “not feeling accomplished”. If someone cannot stay beside you in bad times, trust me they don’t deserve you at your best. Sometimes they don’t even realize they left you, to them it was just a break for them, they needed time from their overburdened hearts and souls but end up blaming the victim. Yup, they stab you yet they’re bleeding to death (figures when they’re life has met a new motivation which can be anything without ruling out…anyone). Some people can’t even confront you, they just fade away and ghost you, and that’s the biggest challenge yet.

Breakup Victims who’ve been ghosted are tormented by a million questions and never fully recover until the Ghost suddenly materializes once more to ask “how are you?” Because they realize the victim is well and alive, but then need to feel that they have to be forgiven by the ghosted. More of a cycle that states a lame excuse of “I’m only human” to just have a reason to continue life and not face their empty perception of reality in which or how they left us.

Still it’s not so hard to know if your S/O is having second thoughts, cold feet or simply grew out of you like a piece of clothing or a pair of shoes they can no longer bear. Lack of empathy, and treating you like an outsider are some symptoms, you no longer form part of their so called priorities on their schedule, no longer sharing common interests, even sporting a life of interests as if they were single. New statuses show up while you’re never to be found amongst them…follow the signs and trust your gutt if it’s telling you something, because it can never fool you. We need to learn to watch out for the red flashing lights ahead before falling off the cliff. Without forgetting that most of of these breakups were and are meant for the best. Because lets face it bouncing back into the same relationship which can’t be fixed or acknowledge there’s an existent unresolved issue is like a book you’ve already read…you already know how it ends.

Remember you are valued, important, appreciated, loved, needed and taken seriously from up above and from those who surround you and are willing to spend every loving moment with you. Don’t give up on yourself no matter what.

Mubarak Ho Mere Saiyaan Re…

Once upon a time there was an existing individual, who as any other had been going thru this normal way we seem to call life, her wings had been scorched and spent her time as the mere mortal she was finding a true reason, an explanation to the never-ending hunger at the bottomless pit of her soul. She had felt a void every time her gaze was lost in the night’s darkness long before her presence had ever mattered, pondering what was missing she withheld from dreams and watched others rise to theirs. She smiled thou sadness was her constant companion, until one day the greatest miracle happened. She met…him.

The encounter occurred on an unexpected day, where they were both gentle to each other as if trying to understand one another’s nature, til this day she’s never forgotten his eyes, his words, nor has he ever left the world they lived and created in her heart, although he’s nowhere to be found the doors of her soul have always remained open and her heart awaiting his return. His existence became her strength and unwavering life force. Many times she wished to tell him so many things that were locked away inside herself but could barely say “I love you and would convey it to him in “Tum mera sab kuch ho Janu”. Still today she smiles and whispers to the rain “ye mausam ki baarish
ye baarish ka paani
ye paani ki boondein
tujhe hi to DhoonRhein
ye milne ki khwaahish
ye khwaahish puraani
ho poori tujhi se
meri ye kahaani” hoping the message is felt and carried on in that beautiful melody her heart sings only for him. If he only knew she revives within that rainfall and dies once it’s gone. Other times rushing into it she cries desperately begging the rain “Stay a little longer with me so I can see his image flowing thru you”, if he only knew she’s travelled thru oceans of time to meet his soul in her dreams, if he only knew she sees the colors his love awakened in her bloodstream those flowing inside her heart, were imprinted on her soul as well, she no longer sees the world a vast nothing, but sees thru his eyes the grace of everything even when things seem to go wrong, there is always the thankfulness flowing within the rain that falls from her eyes. Each rain drop still saying “Main tumse bhot pyar karti hoon Janu” its because of you that I see vast oceans of life where there was once a lifeless desert, one glimpse of you and I received an oasis that drenched my soul and brought me back to loving myself thru your memories. The very same that keeps me going and moving forward…still waiting for you.

Mubarak ho Mere Saiyaan Re, for being my inspiration…you never left, I could never let you go…S.N.K.

The way they leave us…says it all

The new trend is to move on silently without their beloved, and let them know they’re gone after new worlds, new experiences, new people, when they should be facing obstacles and difficulties together, fighting alongside each other. The real truth is, this is the real way things should actually, naturally happen and be, sadly some only cheer you on to continue being strong at your own pace, still one wishes they’d do all that’s desired deep down inside but they don’t even perceive the trail of hints and clues one leaves dripping from our tired souls and hearts.

It may sound cold or cruel to hear this but even if they still perceive it, they don’t react. And it hurts even more, because it’s a wall of shattering silence encasing our own hearts beating within us and if we press a bit too much against that fragile glass our tears begin to fog up our only windows left, the eyes of our hearts.

We tend to wish at a certain moment to do just as King Edipus in the moment of his life defining truth (he could not face his tragedy and pinned his eyes).

Our own tragedy within is if we let go, or try a little harder. The main issue to address is the “why zone” the overload of questions that just fly out of the blue during each step we take in our normal daily routine, which has suddenly been disrupted, altered or torn…simply because something was removed…or removed itself.

Our full warrior armor comes crashing down, not because of an external enemy but one raging within…sadly our hearts crystallized encasing shattered into a million pieces to reveal a wild creature in containment grasping the bars of its imprisonment, his/her name. As their desperate cries and shrieks go on dying in the silence. No answers come, nothing seems to comfort the poor creature and it starts to go down spiralling into a never-ending cycle of pain which only ends to start all over again but this time striking at it viciously stronger.

Some say ask how to end the agony? Others simply say let go while others say there is no end. I once read something very similar to this feeling and I quote:

“The hardest part dear, is that you’ll have to mourn someone who is very much alive”

Know if you’re Seriously dating and not just somebody’s Hookup

Nowadays the new trend is to go online and start searching for dating apps or social media, in accordance to one’s needs. Be it a nice friendship search or in the hopes of meeting that special someone falls another category in between or at the end…called the hookup. But actually what does it really mean to be out for a hookup?

It’s just that casual meeting where there’s no type or sign of compromise whatsoever and many times ends up being listed in the little black book as an option. This type of encounter is somewhat not so very pleasant because one of the two might build a certain amount of expectations. And it kills the buzz for “the booker” as I call it. They sound like the typically bored individual out for a moments stroll with no intention of staying any longer than a night prowler, they’re out for what they want, get what they need and then leave the other part as to “nothing serious happened here”.

Awkwardness tends to resound and someone actually doesn’t know how to avoid that feeling, whats more how to shake it off in case the other half suffers from sudden attachment syndrome. It’s usually followed by a series of questions that leave the attached to a full personal examination period over and over asking themselves “Was that all? where was I? whether if they’re worthy of another hangout moment or not the questions still linger sometimes making them drop out of the cycle and search for something serious if not settling for the next best approachable “thing”.

Hookups are usually last minute, late night calls for “cuddles, and come over for whatever is on my mind, disregarding the other parts (his/her) needs” They’re straight out blunt specifying a certain time at their convenience then once done, go home you’re dispatched on with the next new item. If you value yourself, have wishes to go on into a relationship, then honestly the hookup guy/girl isn’t for you no matter how much they call your attention this type of individual does not compromise except to satisfying their own needs.

On the other hand a seriously dating relationship type of person will send full texts asking how you are, and letting you know they’re interested in seeing you at any moment, scheduling accordingly to your needs and willingly to be seen in public anywhere even if just for a few minutes. They don’t call you at last moment unless for seriously concrete plans such as tickets for a sports game you both enjoy, or music concert, maybe even for a church event. This type of individual will go out to extreme lengths just to show you they’re in it the for the whole nine yards and that they value your presence even at a distance. But most of all they respect boundaries, the hookup type will refuse and question why you won’t as it threatens their needs.

The serious type will always be sweet and patient, while the hookup player type is always on the run moving on to the next option, while the serious ones make it clear you’re “The Choice” letting you and the world know their decision. Serious people let you in on their dreams and goals for the future, letting you also know they want and have something to offer, unlike the other type their egotistical needs are reflected on what you have to give them to be satisfied and in the loop of a callback by making you think or feel important until they need much more to keep them interested.

Be weary and know yourself well enough to not settle for someone who would rather keep you close to satisfy themselves from someone who would rather spend their days, and nights thinking about how to make you happy, choose wisely and stay blessed always.