A storm of love in the distance…

Have you ever felt that little spark or ticklish feeling inside whenever getting a flashback of a beautiful yet sad memory?

Have you ever been caught smiling like an idiot for no apparent reason?

Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming reminiscing on what if’s and possible alternate endings in your life?

Or have your tears reached their threshold and overflowed suddenly even in your sleep without further explanation?

These silent questions are the ones that lead to one answer.

These are simple signs of being in love or still in love with that person who branded our heart and soul during our lifetime. Yes yes, I agree one can meet different people during our lifespan…yet only one is the Royal suitor and winner of our heart.

This person cannot be compared to nor can anyone surpass them no matter how many flaws they may seem to have. They achieve a status many dream to pursue yet fail to even be a runner up to.
I once had a heart to heart chat with someone who described it as… and i quote …
” That’s like a knight in the crusades getting a vision from God. He is on a quest. And you are his holy grail “
No better way to describe such a beautiful and empowering feeling except sometimes the quest can be blinded or distorted when its one-sided. Yet one-sided love is the purest love ever because it doesn’t need to be reciprocated, many times it just is.

And many times this type of love is so carefully guarded and untainted, so well preserved that its essence is purely intact within our souls. Anything or everything can remind us of a tender yet definable moment and still continue to echoe within our memories and inscribed in the pages of our heart’s ledger.

It hurts to know they were our all, and still today our all was not enough. Our efforts are still not acknowledged and/or brushed off as sand from under their feet in order to walk normally or in reality.

Until one day maybe just maybe for once we’re missed, instead of missing them. Or trying to reach out to the memories in order to keep them alive. The heart wants what it wants and we can’t change that. Once that wild creature from within breaks from from its guilded cage it can’t be put under control.

It’s the hardest situation ever to try to defy a heart that’s been afflicted by that unavoidable virus called Love. Why a virus? you might ask because it’s set free out there and caught up everywhere infecting every second of our lives and all we could ever do is let it sit in and either wait it out or find a cure…but the bad news is we’ll never really recover from it. Once infected there is no cure for it only the object of our affection holds the remedy and its in their hands if we remain or we vanish with that love untouched still hoping the forecast will be in our favor…never knowing if the storm will really subside or ever see the shoreline again….

To those venturing in this odisea my heartfelt wishes are there for you, best of luck. May the Almighty guide your steps and keep your vessel safe during this voyage on your way to discover your true love and if already found… I hope and pray your heart is kept safe from deception and pain.

….Stay blessed always….

Eternal…

Walking thru the park of my life I saw couples together engaging in sweet loving ways displaying their affection and emotions with gifts, flowers, red, pink and the endless range of colors continued to parade on this so very dreaded date. I began to gather strength to not let it bother me. You know what they say, mind over matter but it’s not always that way as we all know. I noticed a very distinctive character sitting on a bench all alone with sadness and tears in their eyes…once I approached them they seemed so familiar to me but from where had I known them? I dared to ask this individual what was wrong if they were ok, if they needed anything or even to talk? Then suddenly the individual looked up at me with eyes I’d seen before and a notion of yes I know you too. Eyes that pierced my very soul and made me feel an avalanche of tumbling emotions from within my chest, that very eerie feeling that comes upon us when something so dear has gone missing and it frightens us while staying in a completely frozen state.

Again I felt curious about this character and began to ask what had brought them to this place on such a day as this. The individual then took a deep breath and started to tell me their sad story…One that compelled me to stay and listen. This individual told me that many many years ago they had met someone whom they felt was their match. Someone who they felt was their equal, and to whom had no comparison in their short lived life. Actually life had great significance due to their presence. There was light and laughter once again. Until a massive storm clouded their skies and this person was taken away from their canvas of dreams. This individual whom I slowly felt compassion for sounded so deep in their sorrow, yet had kept in silence it’s true and honest feelings, those that had been denied were like a hidden voice for mine. This individuals feelings echoed while tears flowed asking why wasn’t it enough to take on that position it had desired for so long? Agonizing bursts of pain came from within while wondering what they’d lacked all this time to be The One. You see in their eyes was a sparkle I’ve never seen, whenever the thought of that special person came to mind. Yet it faded amongst the painful memories of having to let them go….And living with an idealization of that person… life somehow went on yet had no meaning anymore due to the loss of their muse and inspiration. They had turned into a beggar, a beggar of love. Looking for mere scraps of kindness anything that could or would resemble that eternal moment of a requested last kiss or that once in a lifetime winters night bliss…anything to conceal the pain of their loss.

I somehow felt so linked, so overtaken by this story it felt familiar. This poor individual had tasted the essence of true love and was in denial to let go of its everlasting beauty. And today I want to share this sad but epic kind of love with you. Love has many forms and shapes but to me this kind of love is an eternal symbol we could all follow, it had always stayed committed to their One and Only. Many confuse it with a hearts shape yet I see it in a full circle, a ring…. something that always continues and never stops it’s course, it’s placed on your finger because it connects to the vein of your heart, always reminding you that their love is there.

Yet this person never had a ring but their love with time had turned into a blazing torch lighting the way just waiting for that day when their beloved would someday fall in love with them too ending their eternal pain. When I finally dared to ask their name I noticed an excruciating pain in my being, one that made me drop to my knees and once I was able to look up, that person suddenly had disappeared. It was that moment when I felt that something was very much alive yet still fighting inside to not let go and then I heard a voice from within that said “I’m your ever wandering heart”….and we’re together in this never-ending journey for his love….

The Water Bearer…

The girl visited each day the shrine in her heart not knowing the water bearer had cleaned his path and long grown apart. He was nowhere to be found, his footprints erased from the long journey only to show their common ground…they shared a beautiful story which gave way in her shattered heart…its temple walls crumbled to never stand again. Tiny white roses at each side of the road to remind him of her in case he forgot his oath until one day he decided to come back to his once beloved’s land…the water bearer’s absence caused eternal sadness in the once young girl’s eyes when he had left as a boy now he returned a man. Only to lay down roses before her…sadly she had closed her eyes long before his love could ever be saved …now all he could do was take tender care of them at her grave.

Dime…

En el destierro de mi alma existen palabras que aun no he pronunciado. Cosas con gran significado que crei desvanecidas entre los dedos de mis manos.

Y el interrogatorio eterno que hace eco en ese territorio ya socavado…. causado por el diluvio de lagrimas que nunca han cesado.

Las mil preguntas de dia y noche, representantes de alegrias junto a tristezas sin reproches.

Continua la interrogante en las profundidades de mi corazon….

Te enamorastes del pasado o o es que tan solo nos une aquella aterrador separacion ?

I saw…thought…trusted

Once upon a time I endured hours of travel to a beautiful country where my foreign self was a spectator. I thought to myself “Just breathe” when I saw there was an almost empty airport and No One waited there for me. My whole being began to shake my senses were out of control and my tears were about to drop. Still i had to remember, new steps, new places, first time meeting face to face in such a long awaited time. I thought of plans but was ambushed by weird sensations. First thought in my mind was “Am I really here?” “Will I really do this?” I kept walking while seeing happy faces greet and arms opening up to each other ending up in warmth, and sweet demonstrations of affection. Whilst my eyes kept waiting to be found my heart kept breaking by the second. At every step of the way with a disconnected phone service relying on a bit of airport wifi…I was able to get a text sent outward and a missed call and a late text. I’m on my way sorry for being late…and a picture to suffice my anxiety showing me he was in a car…with someone else as a driver.

It donned on me, this isn’t what one imagines during the cute moments, where promises are made and doubts dissapear. This was the moment where doubts clouded the beautiful vision and unveiled an uncertainty that wouldn’t leave my side. I then realized there is no such thing as the airport dream, that many times if not most we tend to enshroud or envision the object of our affections as a knight in shining armour coming in our rescue….when in the end we have to pick our own selves up and salvage what little is left of our heart’s shrine.

When the moment came again I had a sense of anguish because my countdown was at its moment’s end…I had to face my reality to possible rejection, to possible disapproval and/or heartbreak. I had to face my fears once and for all or just disappear without a trace…yet the choice was mine. I finally used the ladies room and walked out nervously dreading my fate til I received the call. Honey where are you? Come out I’m here in the front” and that’s when I saw him…a few paces forward there he was fixing his hair with one hand as I always noticed, walking with roses in his other hand. Smiling and saying it wasn’t right to not bring me a gift or flowers and to please excuse the tardiness. No hug no kiss, only words, and a smile but very much respect. We left into the car with his friend until we reached a place to eat. We shared a simple meal but I was happy. He then took a walk with me crossing the boardwalk to the sand where he faced me alone for a few minutes. Asking one another if it we were comfortable…and the final question…Was I what he expected?? He smiled and said yes and that he was happy I was finally there. I felt relief yet the final result would be once finally alone. It became dark and we headed back to finally see I was lost in a city that invited me to breathe and let go of my anxieties  yet I feared to try. The next day was full of more challenges, waking up to someone “I knew” yet completely unknown. We rushed to get papers together and more struggles came, battling between likes/dislikes keeping busy with chores and sharing a meal with love and coffee or deserts we ended up nervously tying the knot. And yet my heart was shattered, i felt more of a shadow than a life companion the one that walks behind or is simply a few steps ahead. Depending on the light’s position but in my case reality was the light that shined upon me. I had barely wed yet didn’t feel like a wife. There hadn’t been much time to give each other the dedication needed. It felt like an arranged marriage except with the existent feelings between us. And certain sweet moments, those that happen out of the blue yet last a lifetime in one’s memory. Today i look back…trying to recollect my actions and their causes or fruits. But I only know one thing is clear and that is when one’s heart loves, one trusts what it sees and feels. But the question is will it continue fighting for that…which it gave its all… or simply let it go once and for all in the very end?

“Sometimes it’s the loving words we’re dying to say, that we have to hold back inside… the sweetest of affections our broken heart bleeds wishing to display, yet in silence it breaks down and cries”

-●♡Voice of a broken heart quotes♡●-

The broken heart’s never ending cry…

It’s like a massive wave tumbling over you when you least expect it. With this 100 ton of pressure crushing you from all sides and no possible reason to be found for what you’re experiencing. You’re just there on this isolated land in your heart asking, screaming out: “Hello? Is anybody out there? Can anyone feel my pain? Can anybody hear my cry? Or am I just going insane? Is this really what it was, was it all a sweet dream or just a cruel game?

We ponder and question our spine chilling reality to only hear the endless echoes of our voices pleas. It’s as we were vagabonds begging for a chance well deserved and very long owed yet it’s denied. And we continue on the pursuit of that long awaited answer. When we’re left in pain and denied any closure, we’re left in the dark to walk and stumble. Many times in a never ending cycle of excruciating pain, the type that ceases for a bit then comes back harder to only continue crushing that wild creature encased within us…our vulnerable heart.

Many of us are left with few or no options but the cruelest and most dangerous one is the one we’ve all been placed in at a certain point… the friend zone. We’re thrown into that cell and with it the key thrown out. Chance of survival ? Very low. Because our wild yet delicate creature yearns for the object of its affections and can’t help itself to not care or feel much less assimilate it’s connection has been severed.

Like any lost connection it bears witness thru it’s tears that it’s rights have been stripped away and no longer serves it’s purpose. Yet the never-ending agony continues. Some say only time will tell, but I’d say it in a different way…”A broken heart will never be able to tell time, it remains frozen, if not paralyzed and crippled within it

The void within can never be filled nor

Heads or tails?

Initially there’s this journey called life, which once begun gives us a layout of choices. A giant blueprint of paths or shortcuts to consider and make our own or just ignore.

⚠🚧🚫🚷⛔❎

The truth is that in many situations throughout this journey those “paths or shortcuts” are not pushed in our direction, yet end up paved or forced upon us. Our hearts desires are not considered or taken as important, instead overrided with a new one. We set out with dreams based upon random thoughts that cause us to smile like idiots while in many cases we end up drowning in an overwhelming sea of “could’ve been…” or “what ifs??” that paralyze our hearts. Our wings are clipped off at an early start without notice or our consent. Leaving us to roam when we could’ve soared from way high above to see the full case scenario because others “wisdom was helpful” or stronger than our own will to try and fly”.

We become an imprisoned songbird for all to hear and see… when we actually could’ve been a blazing phoenix rising in all our splendour for everyone to respect and accept.

We’re at this crossroad of choices and either forced upon or challenging us to take it’s hand with risks and a pocket full of coins which we flip along with our heart…sometimes hoping it’ll be the one thing we really want.

The final question is…Will it be heads or will it be tails? Will it be the end of my life’s story or the beginning of a fresh new start? And that my dear friend will only be known once you take the first step to decide…will it be your choice or will everything/everyone else do so for you???

Stay blessed always…

To love at a distance or not, that is the question….

I recently heard someone say to me in a conversation and I quote :”I thank God I’m not an online thing”

As I said some people would rather stay within their comfort zones for cuddles and physical contact while others would give the world and more to reach out and achieve that same goal. Except they stand on the same intensity and misfortune…someone else could show up in seconds woo your S/O and sweep them off their feet be it close or faraway. There’s no difference in that. And while one makes the move to make plans after work or a common day off on the other half at the other side of the world there’s this amazing person who wishes to have at least 5-10 minutes to see/listen to the person that makes their heart drop.

Well to be honest I was a bit thoughtful upon their words but I can’t say I’d blame them. Not everyone is built for “the online thing”. It takes boldness and a courageous heart to risk itself to venture upon and stay within the status in an ldr. Again to those who are not familiar with the LDR topic, it stands for Long distance relationship. More than just words a relationship of this type is very much time consuming and delicate as one face to face. Texts can become a routine if it’s not taken to another level in the communication department. And many times emotionless due to lack of time or time zone change. Those who can’t conceive being in such a struggle because they’d rather be face to face with the object of their affections would never understand the sacrifice/ struggle of travelling abroad with their heart on their sleeve for that S/O.

There’s no difference in the amount of stress, pain, happiness, nostalgia, anger or even yes the green eyed monster afflictions called jealousy not to mention uncertainty both positions face. Be it near or far they both face the dangers of dying to not resurrect due to different points of view. Now the real question is to stay within the comfort zones we know or take the risk into the unknown and make it a beautiful venture ….? Only you can decide…stay blessed always.