Do I get what I want, will I want what I get?

Do you ever remember that scene in Happily Never After? Ella daydreaming of her prince, the other character (Rick) was daydreaming about her….

It’s so sad that one spends time rejecting what others so badly want…what’s worse is the crushing moment and cruel decision imposed over our hearts yet has no control over when forced to simply settle and continue being the second best…

We become the best “friend”

We become the best “part”

We become the best “everything”

Yet we will never really end up having their “heart”

We wish to lash out

We wish to say go, leave

We wish to say I’m done

We wish to cry, scream

We wish so much in that scene

We wish to say goodbye

Because I’ll never be The One….

Because we’ve grown too tired to try…

صراعي

She’s trying to shun the raging voices within, self discipline, self love again.

She’s trying to reach new horizons, new settings, new beginnings.

She’s trying to look forward, new sights, no fog, no more veils, no blurrs.

She’s trying to rebuild herself, fill in her cracks, leave no scars or traces of pain behind.

She’s trying to find her own voice, to bring it out from deep inside, she’s trying to let go of her past and with it everything which was relived again…

She’s trying…she’s trying so hard this time… she swore to never feel again…this time she swore to let it die…before she became alive.

رحلتي

Confessions…

How to explain that I don’t just want to be chased I  want to be desired, I want your tenderness, I want to be your fire. I want to be wrapped up in your innocence, not in my selfishness, I wish to be your light, you be my darkness where I can unfold and never tire. Not just be your challenge on an intellectual date, but be more than just your awaited partner in crime while in our sexually intoxicated state. I want to attain that hold on you so badly yet I’ve gone decades on letting you just be free….and yes I’m selfish and guilty of wanting…I only wanted you to have only wanted me….

The daisy said no….

She loved him, protected him even from her ownself. The petals fell after dreams arised, her heart gave in, she let him go against her own will, to find himself it seems.

They grew apart the old story tells, she shed her tears throughout the years, while he lived his life, he took a wife… one of her greatest fears.

One day they found a passage way thru time, where it stood still to just fulfill a wish that had been dying. They gave their best to each other each time the moments arised…still their hearts beated as one as soon as they’d sweetly die.

Time stood still the moment he left and from her hearts gaze a last glimpse of a lifetimes love. With tears flowing from her emerald eyes she says there he goes and with him leaves my life she asks the daisy that heartbreaking question…but the daisy’s reply was “No”…

Eternal sleep…

Her heart was the blazing torch that guided her thru that never-ending darkness…yet always burned til the day of her death. Even thou it never reached its destination her love was the undying ember which kept her warm when he chose to leave her side in search of his ownself. She had tried so many times to keep its flame burning, from growing cold but there was nothing left to add to it’s flame…sadly the icy air embraced her and led it to its final sleep. Leaving her heart to never feel nor awaken ever again.

This thing we call “love”…

Nowadays we’re seeing so many movies, stories and life events that make us believe that love comes easy to no struggle. Or the good guy gets the girl or vice versa the girl gets the guy of her dreams. That love is like having your own personal genie to grant you three wishes and you get your wish come true. We believe it’s magical and it’s so beautiful nothing can ever mess or blurr out the vision we have of it.

We’ve been so into a fantasy about love that we’ve forgotten to see the responsibilities it incurrs, we’ve been told to live and be practical in life but we’ve forgotten all about what romance is supposed to be. It’s so sad that we haven’t learned what the balance in life is and how to keep it within our daily relationships. Once you’ve chosen/ noticed someone it clearly tells you they’ve a potential within for something more than just friendship. It at times evolves from that point but it changes with time. We get all caught up in the nice feeling and sensations it gives us, and we probably think we’re falling in love. But are we really? Or is it that we’re in love with the notion of love?

My best friend and Sis once told me and mentioned this and it made me think about it” Maybe we’re just really in love with the idea of love”.

This magical illusion that sweeps us off of our feet and makes us walk on air seeing things where there aren’t and paving the way to other possibilities as to a future with that “special one”. Yet we forget that it’s part of the idealization of this four letter word and sad to say but we fail to focus on what comes after the declaration of our heart’s dependence goes out to resonate in that other persons ears and a negative/non reciprocated response is the outcome to our wild encaged creature’s (our heart) plea.

We begin to build castles in the sky where it has no foundation, we think about adventures, smiles and sweet moments. Yet not the sad parts because we do not wish to smudge it with negative vibes. We see them as a perfect vision our never-ending happiness. We fail to see the struggle to keep a balance because we want to invade every second, every moment and space they have. But we know no boundaries until someone gets upset or feels drained. Its a tidal wave of emotions that cannot be contained nor suppressed. We encase them as a precious jewel that needs to be set aside, either hidden from the world because we’re too anxious or jealous to share it’s value or we give it such value that it actually consumes and controls us.

Leaving the other person in a state of awkwardness and finally walking/drifting away and breaking free from us. Because in their eyes and logic we’re too much to handle.

We daydream so much we’ve forgotten our own position deserves as much attention as is theirs. Yet we realize this in a very hard moment…reaching rockbottom.

We’re thinking about a beautiful picket fence home, a beautiful outing, friends, family even having one’s potentially own but we forget that all takes a job and hard work. Not to mention patience. And we’re going in circles thinking how we’d make them safe and secure. In the end we haven’t really opened up our eyes to the reality that feelings can be temporary and move out of our heart’s while a mortgage and bills do not wait to be paid. Nor does sickness wait to strip us from our happiness because nowadays “love” consists in a beautiful face and body character and values are so out of the question. By the time we know the truth we’re left with a broken carcass of a heart. Someone once told me be practical. I never understood what it meant til recently. And being practical is non other than being realistic.

I’d rather define it as being down to earth with a large dose of sarcasm. It’s keeping one’s heart in its cage and teach it to stay there til it’s seen, felt, and proved everything thru a scientific method. Feelings are fleeting nowadays. And hearts flutter one place to another as butterflies to flowers in a field. I call it the abcs for love. A for avoid being caught in that trap, B for Bounce that out the door and C for cross that off of the list. It sounds pretty harsh but it’s the truth and we need to be responsible with this whole notion called Love… Practicality can actually help us be grounded and save us from wasting time and efforts into a fleeting illusion that may cost us more than a few bucks, and a broken heart but also a broken self. Be wise dear ones, use your logic. Don’t lose your way into fairytale land cause in the end of it all there’s really no knight in shining armor to save us, it’s only ourselves to our own rescue.

Rockbottom logic

Being the hot headed stubborn not to mention fast paced ram that I am I’ve begun to notice that my decisions in life haven’t always been the best nor all have been disastrous either. Life has thrown it’s curb balls at me as has to everyone everywhere. And thou many things have changed other things have tried to sink in on a daily basis and it’s been killing me slowly day by day. My nature is too wild to be contained in a box. Yet I still yearn for stability with a side of creativity and uniqueness…In short I hate a monotonous life and repetitive lifestyles.

No passion, lack of action or dreams/motivation blurs my attention and makes me want to run away. I feel the need for freedom and strength to rise like a tidal wave to run thru my course and not let anything stop me…a raging flame that rises and burns high yet can still warm enough to be known as dangerous if not carefully dealt with. I’ve learned that the love that I’ve given so freely will never be reciprocated in the same manner or way, that it’s only to be given, received or not remembered at all.

My heart hit rock bottom and was confronted by logic and it reached a sad but drastic truth which is “Love is not to be encased in an equation, it can’t be disected under a microscope like a strange specimen. It can only be, whether we like it or not”. And unsettling as it is we all have to wake up someday from the fairytale phase and grow up as intended in our human nature and think and act wisely with logic. As a saying someone once told me “Fear Allah but tie your camel” meaning have faith but use your brain and logic as well.

Breaking news…

Love just as faith can never be ruled by logic, they are only felt and seen with an open heart. We sometimes have to understand this great and harsh truth the hard way. If not when we’ve hit rock bottom whilst having learned the true valuable lesson in this non physical journey….which is broken down to this….

“Love, if not freely given was never really love at all”

Katerina Petrova-

-Vampire Diaries dialogue-